SWINE FLU? ARE YOU KIDDING?

First it was the bird flu. Actually, it was probably 5,497th, but it was the first outbreak I remember, and the first time I ever felt really afraid of a bird (unless you count the duck down by the lake that repeatedly chased me and tried to untie my shoe during cross-country practice in high school...). Now they are telling us it's the SWINE that are out to get us. What is it with all these animal-named outbreaks? I mean, have they no memory of what Noah did for them? Give a brother (and his sister) some love, man. I, for one, am tired of worrying about all this crazy virus-germ stuff. Here's my daily schedule.

• Wake up.
• Wash hands.
• Take a shower.
• Apply hair product.
• Wash hands.
• Eat breakfast.
• Wash hands.
• Think about dirt.
• Wash hands.
• Drive to school.
• Wash hands in the first available restroom.
• Hear a child sneeze down the hall.
• Wash hands.

And this is how the day continues. I use, although I'm a bit scared of, the hand sanitizer. I am not a total junkie, but I will admit scrambling to get to it in my purse after touching something wet and sticky in a public place. It has its place, but I think it's just a matter of time before the mother-of-all-super-giant-virus-bugs lands on our planet and says, "YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD KILL ME WITH A LITTLE SQUIRT OF HAND SANITIZER?! HA!" And he will say it just like that, too. "HA!", really loud and mean-like. Because he can.
I think that all of this international flying has really fiddled with our immune systems. When someone who lives in Budapest can fly to Canada, go fishing, then travel on to Cancun to soak up some sun and return home in time to present his family with the lovely gift of the Swine Flu, we've got a problem. Sure, the average age of our life expectancy is up, but it's only because we're not plowing the fields on any given day, exhausting ourselves to extinction. That, and Advil. Here's a shameless plug for my favorite friend, who's always there for me in my time of need, ADVIL. I think I'll travel to my local Target store, stock up on Advil, face masks, and a few pints of Ben and Jerry's and ride out this latest outbreak in style. Here's hoping none of you and yours are affected by this latest epidemic (I hope it doesn't go pandemic) and that we can all breathe easy for awhile before we are attacked by the next mammal or reptilian trying to make their mark in history.